A Brief Guide to “Supreme Court Beach,” a Painting That Portrays More of Sam Alito’s Nude Torso Than I’d Cared to Contemplate
Answers to all your burning questions, like: Why does this exist? What is Shakespeare doing there? And which real-life Supreme Court justice bought the original to hang in his chambers?
On Wednesday, University of Texas School of Law professor Liz Sepper shared an image on Bluesky to which, in an egregious breach of social media etiquette, she did not attach a content warning: Now adorning the hallways at UT Law is a caricature of partially clothed Supreme Court justices and other Supreme Court-adjacent figures, all sporting various forms of swimwear, happily imbibing their preferred substances together on sunny Rehoboth Beach.
Sepper later indicated that the painting looms directly above one of those built-in water bottle filling stations. Given its newfound proximity to a depiction of Sam Alito’s freshly waxed torso, I am guessing that that particular location will experience a drop in usage in the weeks to come.
Because there is basically no bit of Supreme Court arcana too frivolous for me to drop my actual work and spend several hours researching, I reached out to the artist, Todd Crespi. Todd was very gracious when we spoke, and did not seem to take great offense to the fact that my first question was “How dare you?”
A longtime courtroom artist for CNN, Todd told me that he painted Supreme Court Beach in the early 2010s. It was originally displayed as part of an exhibition for the Shakespeare Theatre Company’s annual mock trial, a Washington ritual that I would describe as the nerdiest comedy show you could possibly imagine: As the name suggests, it is a mock trial loosely based on the plot of a Shakespeare play in which a pair of high-profile D.C. lawyers “argue” before a panel of Supreme Court justices and federal judges, all of whom just spent the entire time cracking topical jokes.
The painting’s link to what is perennially the hottest ticket in town for BigLaw partners with Congressional memberships explains what is, at first glance, maybe the most confounding detail: the inclusion of Dirtbag William Shakespeare, who is hanging out just below President Barack Obama on the far right.
Most importantly, Todd told me that the version now fueling a dehydration epidemic at UT Law is actually a print, because he sold the original to Justice Stephen Breyer, a frequent and enthusiastic STC mock trial participant. Todd personally delivered the painting to Breyer’s chambers, where he discovered firsthand that Breyer otherwise decorates his walls with masterpieces on loan from the National Gallery of Art. Apparently, he’d decided that Supreme Court Beach would really bring the room together nicely.
From there, Todd walked me through the cast of characters. The then-sitting justices are all in the foreground, with occasional nods to their histories, hobbies, and predilections: From left to right, that’s Sonia Sotomayor (controversially drinking a Pepsi), Stephen Breyer (reading de Tocqueville), Antonin Scalia (next to the champagne), Sam Alito (traditionally more of a baseball guy, but whatever), John Roberts (staring wide-eyed at a book about himself), Clarence Thomas (with a tattoo of Reagan on his arm), Anthony Kennedy (all Californians love surfing?), Ruth Bader Ginsburg (wearing jorts??), and Elena Kagan (minding her own business, perhaps still too new to the Court to have a particular foible to reference).
A few retirees also made the cut, albeit in background appearances. Beneath Kennedy’s surfboard is Sandra Day O’Connor. And at Kennedy’s elbow, with a Doritos Cool Ranch bag at his feet, is John Paul Stevens, who if you look closely is—this is real, Todd told me—holding a big ol’ bong. (Stevens became an advocate for marijuana legalization after stepping down, which was at the time and remains today only the third cool thing a Supreme Court justice has ever done.)
The woman in the black top is Pam Talkin, the former Marshal of the Court. The man in the black trunks is Don Verrilli, who spent five years as Solicitor General during the Obama administration. The balding guy over Kagan’s shoulder is Michael Kahn, the Shakespeare Theatre Company artistic director who retired in 2019. Todd told me that the man in sunglasses on the far left is just a “random guy,” but that the other man in sunglasses—holding a sketch pad, peeking out from behind Robert’s beach chair—is Todd himself.
Towards the end of our conversation, Todd told me about his election-season yard sign collection, which leaves little doubt about his political leanings or how he’s feeling these days. And when I asked how he looks back on Supreme Court Beach now, he sounded a bit less enthused than he perhaps was a decade-plus ago, when he was painting for an exhibition linked to a lighthearted D.C. social event: He described the piece as an “affectionate rendering,” but noted that it’s not his usual style. He also told me that it’s “gotten harder to be kindly disposed” to the Court recently, which is a sentiment to which plenty of people have plenty of reasons to relate.
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Tough shit, poor thing. LOL